Divorce
Research shows that kids can cope with a divorce and come out okay. But many children whose parents make the decision to divorce are emotionally wounded in a way that lingers throughout their lives. The good news is that we know how to avoid these outcomes, because we know what the risk factors are that leave kids scarred. The bad news is that avoiding these risks takes enormous maturity on the part of both parents. Protecting your child should be your highest priority and you can do this by maintaining a strong, loving relationship with your child and acting as partners, to the best of your ability, with your ex.
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How can I help my kids through my divorce?
If you're getting divorced, you're probably worried about your child or children. So you'll be heartened to know that the research shows that kids can cope with a divorce and come out just fine.
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Parents Considering Divorce
Dear Dr. Laura,
My
husband and I are going through a very difficult time in our marriage. So difficult that we both feel that in time we will probably separate and
eventually divorce in the very near future. At this time not only am I dealing with the possible
loss of my marriage but what it will do to our 7 month old son. I am ridden with guilt that I will be responsible for him being a child of divorced
parents and how that will affect him when he is old enough to realize that mommy and daddy don't live together. I'm constantly
apologizing to him and telling him to forgive me when he is older if in fact his father and I do separate- of course he doesn't understand me yet
but I guess it makes me feel a little better by telling him that mommy is sorry. I guess my question is -- how does divorce/separation affect children
and their emotional well being? My niece and nephew are both children of divorce and they seem well adjusted to me. Do you have any advice on how
to deal with this? Thanks. -- Sad
Best visitation schedule for shared custody?
Hi Dr. Laura,
Three and a half years ago my son's dad and I began our joint custody arrangement for our son, five days with dad, five days with mom, two days with dad, two days with mom. Basically, dad always has M/Tu and I always have W/Th and we trade off F/Sa/Su. This was so we wouldn't be apart from him for long periods of time. He was only 4 at the time.
I have always felt that he needs more continuity, as much as possible given the fact that he has two homes, and I have approached his dad about switching weeks. My son never knows what day it is, never gets a chance to finish a book. Seems like he just settles in to the space and it's time to go again.
I have approached his dad about transitioning week-to-week and he is resistant. He says that he's not sure it would help the continuity problem (to which I replied "think about it: he has to make two transitions a cycle instead of four" but he was not convinced). He also doesn't want to be away from him for that long.
I offered that we could have time when the other parent sees our son when it's not our week, like for dinner or what have you. I believe this is very important for our son's well-being and would like to convince my ex of this.
Are there studies or resources that you know of that I can refer him to? Do you have suggestions that might help us make the right move for our son?
Thanks for your assistance.
-- Concerned Mom
Helping Your Child Cope with Your Divorce
Dear Dr. Laura,
My son is 5 and is very attached to both myself and my husband. After 8 years of marriage, my husband and I have decided to separate. Our relationship has not been well for the last 3 years or so. My husband is planning on moving out at the end of the month and we will proceed with a divorce. The hardest part of all of this for me is:
(1)Telling my son in a way that he will understand what is happening
(2) Ways that i can support him through his process of grief, anger, acceptance, etc. He is very sensitive.
I have inquired about play therapy and hope to have that work out. Any other advice/guidance is immensely appreciated.
Thanks so much.
Divorce: Surviving the Holidays
"This will be our first holiday since the divorce. I feel like our family has been broken. How can I give my kids a good holiday?"
"I read your Toddler tips yesterday and tried each suggestion, and LO! My daughter has not been fighting me! Like some kind of magic it just works!"
Karina
Dr. Laura is a parent whisperer! - Liz McIntosh
Liz McIntosh
Dr. Laura's parenting advice completely changed my relationship with my daughter, improved her self-esteem, and transformed our lives. Providing my daughter with acknowledgement of her feelings and point of view reduced her oppositional behaviors and emotional meltdowns to nearly none. - Jodie Tokatlian
Dr. Laura, you have created miracles, large and small, in so many lives and our children thank you.
Folks, she's brilliant. It's wonderful to have parenting experts who don't see the child as the enemy in a locked combat, for one thing. I recommend it.
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Makchoon
I have seen amazing improvement in my *very* angry 17 year-old son after acknowledging that there was a reason he was so angry and acting out. We have had several heartfelt conversations and I have seen a real change in how he treats his younger brother, and how he treats me.
I know that I am a better parent thanks to Dr. Laura's inspirational words and suggestions.
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Andrei
My daughter reacts so much better when I empathize and stay patient. And now I get to model that behavior instead of letting my frustration get the better of me.
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Lisa Fernandez
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Jennifer B
Yes. It works. And the more rest I get, the more patience I have. It makes a difference.
Dear Dr. Laura Markham! I am a mother of 2 boys - 16 and 7 years old. I am extremely grateful for all the emotional and relational education that you provide us and also for your incredible loving energy to support our evolution as parents, as human beings. I took your course 3 years ago. Although the challenges of the parent-child relationship change almost every year, your parenting principles are equally valuable and effective. It's hard to reprogram the emotional-behavioral pattern learned in my own childhood... so I find it very helpful to go back to your teachings to regain trust and patience as a parent every time new challenges trigger my anxiety. To have more clarity, to reset my energy. Thank you!!
Janina-Madalina Dobrescu
Your philosophies are the only tools we've come across which offer practical advice grounded in clearly laid out lay terminology. Our family life day-to-day is nothing short of a miracle, thanks to you! - Dana Questad
Dana Questad
