Screens, Media and Tech
In today's digital age, the presence of screens and technology has become an integral part of our lives, influencing every aspect of society, including childhood. The term "screen time" encompasses all screen-related devices, such as smartphones, tablets, computers, or watching television. And of course, we use these devices to engage in countless activities; to work, to play, to stay informed, to distract ourselves. We send emails, exchange texts, use social media, play games, read news, watch shows, learn skills, create lists, write journals, share photos, make videos, and endlessly research.
Most screen activities are designed to reward the human brain with pleasurable neurochemical experiences, so they can easily become addictive. That makes it challenging for us as parents to support our children to develop a healthy relationship with screens -- especially since most of us don't always have a healthy relationship with our own devices!
Let's define "healthy" as something that benefits you and contributes to your well-being. Some kinds of screen usage have demonstrable positive effects, such as creativity, learning, communication, social interaction, and making a living. And most of us include some things in our lives that are not super healthy but that are enjoyable and therefore contribute to our well-being, such as an occasional dessert, so let's agree that even screen usage that does not have obvious benefits can contribute to our well-being when used in moderation, in the context of a balanced life.
So we need to think of screen activities on a continuum. Many are positive, but making sure they're used in moderation is the challenge. Many are okay when used occasionally. And many are demonstrably harmful to children and teens. That includes Porn, of course, but it also includes much social media.
The question for parents is therefore WHICH kinds of screen activities to allow, WHEN to permit your child to begin using them, and HOW FREQUENTLY to allow them. And of course, once you've made those decisions, HOW to help your child accept those limits and be responsible about their screen usage, given their still-developing brain, the social pressures to use various screen activities, and the addictive nature of screens!
Start Here:
Cyber Smarts: Keeping Your Child Safe Online
Many parents worry about how much time their children spend on their devices. Even more important, we wonder whether we are doing everything we can to keep our children safe. Do we consciously educate our kids for web literacy and to be good digital citizens? Are we managing the universal tendency to screen addiction? Given that the average age of exposure to porn is approximately age eight, are we doing what we need to porn-proof our kids? What about cyber-bullying? Luckily, there's a lot that parents can do to protect their child.
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Managing Screen Time
"Ever since the pandemic when I had to work and had no childcare, my kids are addicted to the ipad and computer. They howl when I turn it off and they can't seem to find anything else to do."
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Why Screens Compromise Emotional & Academic Development: An Interview
We all have complicated relationships with our screens. They're indispensable tools in our modern lives. And yet there is a cost to screen usage that most of us try to avoid acknowledging.
Research consistently demonstrates that the more we use screens, the more negative the effect on our brains and bodies. Social media usage in particular can be a mental health risk factor, especially for vulnerable populations like preteen and teen girls. In children, screens change the brain by shortening the attention span. And at all ages, screens offer a dopamine hit that can become addictive.
In this interview, Dr. Laura Markham discusses the impact of screens on children's emotional and academic development.
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The First Cell Phone: Rules for Responsibility
"How do I know if my daughter is old enough for a cell phone? I'm scared. How do I keep her safe? Am I worrying too much?"Read More
-Nadine
Porn-Proof Your Child
It's upsetting for parents to hear, but if your child has online access, they will eventually see porn. Statistically speaking, most children stumble across porn by the age of eight, and certainly by the age of eleven. So before that first exposure, you need to be sure you have adequate parental controls on your devices, and you need to educate your child about porn.
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When Preteens Break Your Video Game Rules
Dr. Laura,
I'd love to know your opinion on a situation that happened yesterday in our house! It's kind of long, but please stick with it, we are really struggling with our 6th grader!
Parent challenge 3,476,321 of the year... My day yesterday involved the following scenario...
My oldest (middle school), sent me a text that he wasn't feeling well at school. I told him to basically tough it out or if he was really sick he could go to the nurses office and they would call me if he was actually sick. I threw in there "but don't think you'll come home and play fortnight". A couple hours later, I get a call from his school saying he is sick and really doesn't look well...no fever, but is flushed and that 13 other kids from his school went home sick today too so they think something is going around (awesome!).
WELL, my youngest (preschool) was FINALLY taking a nap (he'd been asleep for like 10 minutes), and he NEVER naps...like ever...it was a feeling of the angels singing in my house! BUT, despite that, I loaded him up in the car, which of course woke him up (and no, he never went back to sleep).
Anyway, I make the 25 minute trek down to pick up oldest child (50 minutes round trip). We chat on the way home, and he legitimately seems sick, but I remind him NO fortnight.
When we get home, I say again, absolutely NO fortnight. I remind him again that if he is too sick to be at school, he is too sick to play video games period. He says OK mom...
I go to check on him (he's in the basement playroom), and guess what he's doing...PLAYING FORTNIGHT!! I was so mad...needless to say he lost XBOX privileges for awhile.
That being said, I'm currently reading Peaceful Parent, Happy kids, and LOVE it, but I'm stuck on what to do with my oldest, specially in this scenario.
Should I not have that "rule" (too sick for school, too sick for video games) to begin with, should his consequence be "natural" as in I won't believe him next time he says he is sick, what would you do?
Mobile Phone Apps for Babies?
Dr. Laura,
What do you think of mobile apps for newborns? This company says its mobile phone app is designed to soothe newborns and stimulate early brain development in newborns using high contrast shapes and sounds. Are these claims research based? Is screen time, even on interactive mode, safe and/or advisable for newborns?
Is TV making 3 year old focus on looking pretty?
Hi Dr. Laura,
I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter and I am starting to feel that the tv programs I have allowed her to watch are having a negative impact on her.
She doesn't watch anything that anyone would say is inappropriate per se but I feel that the shows she really likes are very superficial and focus
on "looks", ways of dressing, being a "princess" etc etc. She now will only wear dresses, very picky about what she looks like because she says
she has to "look pretty". I'm devastated about this and am wondering what steps I can take to sort of reverse her thinking in regards to body image
and what is important in life. I know she is young so I'm hoping I can make a positive impact on her. Thanks for your advice.
Does stepdad have the right to take cell phone from teen?
Dear Dr. Laura,
Hello I'm 14 and my step dad and mom are separated but I still go to his house. He was the only dad figure I've had in my life since I was 5 so I still go to his house with my 5 yr old brother (his blood son) and he wanted to take my phone away because it was a school night and he didn't want me on it all night but he doesn't pay the bill, my mom does! I told him that! And so he took my phone charger that's mine too-my mom payed for it. So can he do that? What if something happens and I need the cops or something?
"I read your Toddler tips yesterday and tried each suggestion, and LO! My daughter has not been fighting me! Like some kind of magic it just works!"
Karina
Dr. Laura is a parent whisperer! - Liz McIntosh
Liz McIntosh
Dr. Laura's parenting advice completely changed my relationship with my daughter, improved her self-esteem, and transformed our lives. Providing my daughter with acknowledgement of her feelings and point of view reduced her oppositional behaviors and emotional meltdowns to nearly none. - Jodie Tokatlian
Dr. Laura, you have created miracles, large and small, in so many lives and our children thank you.
Folks, she's brilliant. It's wonderful to have parenting experts who don't see the child as the enemy in a locked combat, for one thing. I recommend it.
"I'd really recommend Laura Markham's Aha! parenting books and website for brilliantly practical ways to parent with kindness instead of punishment." - Makchoon
Makchoon
I have seen amazing improvement in my *very* angry 17 year-old son after acknowledging that there was a reason he was so angry and acting out. We have had several heartfelt conversations and I have seen a real change in how he treats his younger brother, and how he treats me.
I know that I am a better parent thanks to Dr. Laura's inspirational words and suggestions.
I love AhaParenting because there is always a "pick yourself up and try again" to it. - Chantal Harrison
Chantal Harrison
It's like these emails were meant for me. - Caroline Henry
"Just wanted to say how much I appreciate receiving your regular emails. They've improved my parenting (and me as a person!) and made my children's lives better. Thank you!" - Andrei
Andrei
My daughter reacts so much better when I empathize and stay patient. And now I get to model that behavior instead of letting my frustration get the better of me.
Thank YOU so much for your encouraging weekly newsletters and your Facebook posts. Since I began following your approach, I have noticed a difference in the compassion I show to myself, and how much more that helps me connect with my kids. We are all feeling a lot more overall peace!
Thank you for your weekly emails and your books. They're a life line for me when I really need support during a rough patch. - Lisa Fernandez
Lisa Fernandez
Today I say thank you, tears streaming from my face, so proud of my little boy and all he will become. Thank you. - Jennifer B.
Jennifer B
Yes. It works. And the more rest I get, the more patience I have. It makes a difference.
Dear Dr. Laura Markham! I am a mother of 2 boys - 16 and 7 years old. I am extremely grateful for all the emotional and relational education that you provide us and also for your incredible loving energy to support our evolution as parents, as human beings. I took your course 3 years ago. Although the challenges of the parent-child relationship change almost every year, your parenting principles are equally valuable and effective. It's hard to reprogram the emotional-behavioral pattern learned in my own childhood... so I find it very helpful to go back to your teachings to regain trust and patience as a parent every time new challenges trigger my anxiety. To have more clarity, to reset my energy. Thank you!!
Janina-Madalina Dobrescu
Your philosophies are the only tools we've come across which offer practical advice grounded in clearly laid out lay terminology. Our family life day-to-day is nothing short of a miracle, thanks to you! - Dana Questad
Dana Questad
