Anxiety

Every child worries sometimes. That’s normal. But when worry or fear shows up so often, or feels so big, that it gets in the way of a child’s daily life, we call that an anxiety disorder. The good news is that anxiety is very treatable, and with support, most children learn how to manage their worries and thrive.

A child with anxiety may:

• Worry much of the time, even when there’s no clear reason.
• Have lots of stomachaches, headaches, or trouble sleeping.
• Avoid school, activities, or new experiences because they feel too scary.
• Seem tense or on edge and have trouble calming down.
• Become irritable, angry, or even explosive when fear feels overwhelming—for example, lashing out at home before a stressful event.

The difference between ordinary worry and an anxiety disorder is simple: with anxiety, the fear doesn’t fade, and it interferes with the child’s ability to learn, play, and enjoy life.

Anxiety is another word for fear. People who are often anxious have a chronically activated alarm system. When children are fearful their internal alarm system becomes activated, which can lead to behaviors like “flight” (hiding behind Mom’s leg or escaping to the bathroom at school), “fight” (screaming “I hate you!” or pushing a sibling down), or “freeze” (not responding to a question from an unfamiliar adult or refusing to jump into the pool at a swimming lesson).

All children become anxious at times. Anxiety is a normal fear response to something we perceive as a threat. This is normal, and even beneficial, helping children “look before they leap” to be sure a situation is safe.

But anxiety is on the rise in children and teens. The CDC reports that 11% of children ages 3-17 have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. What could be causing so many kids have a chronically activated alarm system?

Why So Many Kids Have a Chronically Activated Alarm System

Think of your child’s brain as having a built-in alarm system—a survival tool designed to protect them from danger. When it goes off, the body shifts into “fight, flight, or freeze” mode: heart races, muscles tense, thinking narrows. That’s helpful if there’s a real threat, like running out of the street in front of a car.

But for many kids today, that alarm system is going off too often and staying on too long. Why? Because modern life is full of stressors their developing brains interpret as danger.

• Constant digital stimulation: Imagine being 13 with a smartphone in your pocket. All day, every day, you’re bombarded with notifications, texts, and alerts that keep your nervous system buzzing. On top of that, social media becomes a nonstop mirror of comparison—who looks better, who’s more popular, who’s doing something you’re missing out on. Algorithms then serve up content that makes kids feel they don’t measure up, feeding fear that they aren’t good enough. For many kids, this relentless stimulation and self-doubt keeps their alarm system switched on.
• Less unstructured play: Children used to learn to regulate their fear and stress through free play, risk-taking, and problem-solving with peers. As parents have become more protective and opportunities for self-directed, unsupervised play have diminished, kids have fewer chances to practice facing challenges on their own. Without those experiences of “I was scared, but I figured it out,” children can miss out on the confidence that comes from overcoming obstacles. As a result, when they encounter difficulties later, they may feel less capable and more anxious.
• Pressure to perform: Academic demands, overscheduling, and the sense that they must always excel can feel overwhelming, activating the body’s stress response.
• Parental and societal stress: Kids “absorb” the stress around them. When parents or communities are chronically stressed, children’s alarms tend to fire more easily.
• Big-picture worries: News about school shootings, climate change, and world events can create a constant background sense of threat, especially when kids hear about these things without the tools to process them.

In other words, many kids are living in environments that keep their nervous systems activated. Their alarms are going off not because they’re weak or broken, but because their brains and bodies are trying to cope with stresses they aren’t yet equipped to handle.

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If you’ve noticed that anxiety sometimes holds your child back from fully engaging in age-appropriate and beneficial experiences, you're probably wondering how you can help. The answer is, you can learn to talk to your child about anxiety and to coach your child through anxiety-producing situations.

Children can learn to coach themselves through anxiety-producing situations by the way you coach them. They need support to notice the thoughts that are triggering them, so they can learn to manage those thoughts and the bodily sensations the anxious thoughts produce. As they face anxiety-inducing situations and come through them, they gain the confidence to handle new situations. For more on how to coach your child to help them learn to manage anxiety, don't miss this article: Help Your Child Learn To Manage Anxiety

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Don't miss the new mini-course Helping Your Child with Anxiety, which gives you two audios and three printables that guide you through the steps to teach your child (and yourself!) how to manage anxiety.