Tantrums: What’s Really Going On—and How to Respond

Tantrums aren’t misbehavior—they’re overwhelm.

Tantrums can feel overwhelming—for you and your child. In the moment, it may look like defiance or manipulation. But most tantrums are actually a sign that your child is flooded with big feelings, and doesn’t yet have the skills to manage them.

If you’ve ever felt unsure what to do in those moments—or worried you’re making things worse—you’re not alone. With the right approach, tantrums become an opportunity to help your child build self-regulation.

This guide will show you what to do in the moment, what tantrums really mean, and how to reduce them over time.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can jump to what you need:

• Start here
• What to do in the moment
• Aggressive Tantrums
• What tantrums really mean
• How to reduce tantrums over time

Start Here

If you’re not sure where to begin, start with these:

• Toddler Tantrums: What’s Really Going On—and What to Do
  A clear, reassuring guide to understanding and responding to tantrums.
• When Tantrums Begin
  What’s normal—and what to expect as your child develops.
• Should You Ignore Tantrums?
  What actually helps your child calm down—and what doesn’t.
• Are Big Kid Tantrums Normal?
  How to respond to big-kid tantrums and help your child learn to self-regulate.

Aggressive Tantrums

When kids get very dysregulated, sometimes their anguish comes out as aggression, hitting, kicking or screaming. Here's how to handle it.

• 4 Year Old - Aggressive Tantrums, Screaming
• 5 year old Aggressive Tantrums

If your child’s tantrums include hitting or aggression, you may also want to see our guide on anger and aggression.

The good news is that how you respond in those moments doesn’t just calm the current storm—it actually helps your child build the brain pathways for self-regulation over time.

Here’s what helps.

What to Do in the Moment

• Stay as calm as you can.
  Your child’s nervous system is looking to yours for cues of safety. Even a small shift—lowering your voice, softening your body—helps.
• Move closer, not farther away.
  Your child may push you away, but they still need your presence. Stay nearby so they don’t feel alone with overwhelming feelings.
• Acknowledge what your child is feeling.
  “You’re so upset. You really wish you could....”
  This helps your child feel seen—and begins to calm the storm.
• Hold the limit, kindly and firmly.
  “It's time to leave the playground.”
  You’re not giving in—you’re helping your child feel safe.
• Wait for the wave to pass.
  In the middle of a tantrum, your child can’t reason or learn. Your job is simply to help them through it.

What Tantrums Really Mean

Tantrums happen when a child’s emotional brain overwhelms their thinking brain. In those moments, your child isn’t choosing to behave badly—they’re in a state of distress.

That’s why peaceful parenting focuses on three steps:

• Calm — regulate yourself first
• Connect — help your child feel safe and understood
• Coach — teach skills later, once your child is calm

This is how children develop self-control—not through punishment, but through repeated experiences of being helped through big feelings.

How to Reduce Tantrums Over Time

• Daily connection time builds emotional resilience
• Predictable routines reduce overwhelm
• Sufficient sleep and food prevent meltdowns
• Opportunities to release feelings (play, laughter, tears) help children stay regulated

When children feel safe and connected, they’re much more able to cooperate.