You just told your child it’s time to turn off the screen and get ready for bed. And with no warning, they explode at you. Why on earth?

Here’s what’s going on:

  • Their engagement with the screen was stimulating dopamine and other rewarding neurotransmitters.
  • Losing the screen means losing those feelings of well-being, so their brain perceives the loss of the screen as a threat.
  • When the nervous system is in threat mode, that’s “Fight or flight” – so you look like the enemy!
  • Your child knows they need to calm down and accept the situation, but they have an immature brain that isn’t skilled yet at emotional regulation, so they explode at you.

As adults, we can usually adjust fairly quickly to disappointment. But children’s brains depend on the co-regulation they receive from adults to develop the ability to self-regulate, and handling disappointment can be hard for most kids.

That's why it's so important that you have a discussion with your child BEFORE the screen goes on, that includes:

  • Agree on how much screen time they will get.
  • Tell your child that they might feel disappointed when the screen needs to be turned off.
  • Ask your child how they can handle the disappointment without getting dysregulated.
  • Ask your child how you can help if they have a hard time.
  • Agree on a plan for the transition after viewing, that includes connection (which releases oxytocin to counteract the stress hormones moving through your child’s body) and physical movement (to metabolize those stress hormones).
  • Review your agreement with your child, and shake on it. (Ex. “One 25 minute show, then no the screen goes off with no fuss, and you and I have a dance party for ten minutes. Let's shake on it! Deal!”

    • What to keep in mind about screens

    There's a lot of hysteria about screens, and some of that is for good reason. But studies are ongoing, and we don't know enough yet, so experts have to be cautious about drawing sweeping conclusions. Here are some things they DO agree about:

    • For all age kids, and even for adults, more screen time is associated with decreases in short-term executive function. Research is ongoing about how long-lasting the effects are, but repeated screen usage while the brain is still engaged in intense formation-- up to age five-- definitely changes the way the brain develops, with repercussions on the child's executive function, both at the time and as the child gets older.
    • Screens are most dangerous for babies and toddlers, because the brain is in critical stages of development and is extremely adaptable. Screens are a great babysitter, but they conclusively pose a danger to your child's brain development and later executive function abilities that is simply not worth the risk. Find other babysitters.
    • When we use screens to calm kids down, they are more likely to develop a dependence on screens rather than using healthier coping mechanisms and learning that they can handle big emotions. Don't hand your kids a screen to distract or calm them. Learn to emotion-coach and do preventive maintenance!
    • The type of screen time matters more than the amount of screen time. Social media, for instance is associated with depression and anxiety, especially for younger teens and especially for girls. 
    • The more screen time kids have, the harder it is for them to entertain themselves and to focus on hard things like reading and homework.

      • Are you wondering how to dial back the screens at your house?

      Maybe you notice that it's hard to turn the screen off, or that your child seems to be "addicted," and begs for screens all the time. Or maybe you notice that it's hard to get your child to complete homework thoroughly, or to play outside, or to spend time reading, or even to play creatively, since they just want to get to a screen. 

      Unfortunately, one of the biggest problems with screens is that they keep kids from the creative play, outdoor time, physical activity, face to face social interaction and other learning opportunities that are so important to their development.

      But getting kids immersed in independent play can be a challenge. Most screen activities are so compelling that kids start to lose the ability to find other things interesting. The more screen time they have, the more their focus, creativity, and initiative with other activities diminishes, and the less ability they have to lose themselves in independent play.

      Luckily, there are ways to start weaning your child away from screens and into other activities, and your child's brain and mood will respond positively. Here's how to start digging yourself out of the screen trap to create a more sustainable way to occupy your child.

      1. Start by setting a reasonable goal.

      Maybe you want your child to use screens only on weekends. Or you're fine with some after-school screen time but you don't want your child glued to a screen every morning. 

      2. Brainstorm a list of alternate activities.

      Sit down with your child and have a heart to heart about all the screen time. Be careful not to blame. Instead, take responsibility for having allowed more screen time than is good for your child. Talk about screens the way you would sweets -- lots of fun, but a special treat, not something to indulge in every day.

      Ask your child what else he or she might like to do instead for some of the time that has been used on screens. Brainstorm some fun ideas that your child or children can do on their own and make a list with your child.

      Here's an age-by-age guide of over 150 ideas that children can do with minimal supervision from you, to get you and your child inspired.

      3. Prioritize helping your child learn to play independently.

      Research shows that children who regularly lose themselves in play develop qualities that will help them master whatever they pursue for the rest of their lives, including increased capacities to problem-solve, persevere, focus, manage frustration, and use their imaginations to create.

      So don't feel guilty about asking your child to play on their own. It's good for them! But if your child isn't used to playing independently, you'll need to help them develop that skill gradually. Here's a whole article on how: Supporting Your Child To Play Independently

      4. Choose high quality screen experiences as much as possible.

      Not all screen time is created equal. For instance, while social media usage has been shown to increase anxiety in people of all ages, following along with an exercise class online is good for the body and brain. Work with your child to come up with a list of screen activities that will keep your child riveted when you need to work, but that have educational value. There are unlimited resources at this point. Here are some examples; you can find many more.

      • The Boston Children's Museum (and many other museums) have virtual offerings for kids.
      • Zooborns has webcams of baby animals (as do many zoos and aquariums.)
      • Kids' Yoga and other exercise classes are readily available online.
      • Brooklyn Game Lab has regular Dungeons and Dragons games and a Writers Workshop.
      • Writopia Lab has terrific online writing workshops for kids ages 7 to 18.
      • Mo Willems teaches kids drawing online.
      • Tilt Parenting has a terrific list of online resources and ideas.

      Discuss with your child how much time is reasonable for these activities, versus video games and TV shows.

      4. Write an agreement about your new screen time hours.

      Agree on how much screen time can be used for video games or rewatching Frozen, versus exercise classes or a writing workshop. Shake on your agreement and sign it together. (Young children can mark an X.)

      5. Make a schedule/chart.

      Agree on a written daily schedule, with screen time AFTER reading time, outdoor time, and free play. Any time you're WITH your kids, such as mealtime, should be engagement time, not screen time. All kids should help with housework activities such as meals, but they'll need you to keep them on track for that.  

      Have your kids make a chart that they can use to check off each period of the day before moving on to the next.

      Every morning, ask your kids what activities they think they'll try during their free play time that day. Make yourself accessible to whatever degree is possible during the new non-screen time activities (at least initially) to help kids troubleshoot any issues that come up, particularly between siblings. 

      6. Expect an adjustment period.

      We all use screens for entertainment and to fend off boredom, but that's not all. Screens are an easy way to distract ourselves from uncomfortable feelings. That's one of the reasons kids often have such a hard time when they aren't permitted to watch.

      So be sure to build in antidotes, like daily roughhousing, to help kids work through emotions. And you can expect a certain amount of volatility from your child as they begin spending less time with screens, so summon up your patience level and plan to spend more one on one time.

      The good news is that after this transitional time period, you'll see your child becoming less irritable and aggressive. You'll notice more initiative, self-discipline and focus when they play. And best of all, you'll see your child developing their inner life and discovering who they are by playing, learning and engaging with the world, instead of losing themselves to the addiction of a screen.

    This study is a meta--analysis of ALL of the research that we had on kids and screen time when the study was done in 2024. More studies are being released daily, but these findings still hold. For instance, many studies show that cartoons, with their quick cuts, reduce the attention spans and other executive functions of preschoolers.

100 Research Studies on Screen Time

This 2024 study is a meta--analysis of ALL of the research that we had on kids and screen time at this time. (There are more studies done every day that are adding insights, but these conclusions still stand.) Not surprisingly, the authors conclude that the type of screen time matters more than the amount of screen time. One important caution from the authors: When we use screens to calm kids down, they are more likely to develop a dependence on screens rather than using healthier coping mechanisms and learning that they can handle big emotions.

Mallawaarachchi S, Burley J, Mavilidi M, et al. Early Childhood Screen Use Contexts and Cognitive and Psychosocial Outcomes: A Systematic Review and Meta-analysis. JAMA Pediatr. Published online August 05, 2024. doi:10.1001/jamapediatrics.2024.2620