Family Culture: Shared Identity and Belonging

1. Consciously create a family identity.

Obviously, you want this identity to be positive and expansive, not limiting. Is yours an athletic family? Do you all follow current events? Talk about who's reading what? Most families have several identities: The Traveling Smiths can also be the Bookworm Smiths who love to cook together or collect funny jokes.

2. Eat dinner together whenever possible.

Click here for more on why dinner together as a family --without the TV on -- is so important for your kids. Clue: It has nothing to do with the food.

3. Seize any excuse to celebrate and have fun together.

Life can be hard, so we all need the antidote of appreciating our blessings. Celebrating those blessings together is an important habit for every family, because it shifts the whole family into a more positive place. Most families celebrate birthdays and holidays, but what about moments of courage, or hard-won accomplishments, or simply having finished a really good book together? A toast at dinner, or a special pancake breakfast in honor of the occasion will elevate your family mood.

Playfulness also keeps the family mood fun and connected. Sock fights while folding laundry? Impromptu silly songs in the car? A race to see who can put the groceries away fastest? Food limericks at dinner? Getting drenched in a warm summer rain? The family that plays together builds relationship glue for the hard times. Not to mention, they have more fun! Click here for more on family games and everyday fun.

4. Find ways to enjoy each other.

Your preteen's music choices may sound like noise to you, and she may have no interest in that stroll on the beach that makes your heart sing. But if you put a little energy into it, you will find ways to enjoy each other, whether its making waffles together on Sunday morning or a shopping trip with lunch just for the two of you.

5. Honor each others' passions.

Take an interest in each other’s fascinations. If you started dating someone whose ruling passion was antiques, you’d probably want to understand what they loved about old things, and maybe read a book or accompany them on an antiquing foray. Your son’s obsession with Star Wars novels may be seem like a waste of time ("Why isn’t he reading the classics?") but your interest in hearing about the plots, even if they all sound the same at first, will go a long way toward making him feel comfortable talking with you about what’s important to him when something’s bothering him.

6. Keep the tone loving.

Every household has an emotional tone, which changes but tends toward a particular range of notes. I tend towards a cozy sanctuary feel, my husband tends toward funny and raucous; either can be embracing. The point is to notice what creates discordance and avoid that. That may mean reducing screen time, or agreeing that certain sections of the house are for quiet pursuits, or simply monitoring tones of voice and reminding kids when they start shouting at each other. (Obviously, with young kids things tend to be loud, but that doesn't mean the tone isn't loving.)

7. Develop family rituals.

Rituals, through their repetition, reinforce particular feelings and values. They may be the single most effective tool in creating family culture. (Click here for more on Rituals and Traditions for kids and families).

8. Consider drawing up a Family Mission statement.

It may seem artificial, but families who do it say the process helps them focus on what matters, and annual reviews/rewrites keep the whole family connected and on track in their choices. There are many resources online to get you started.