Is It Too Late? Have I Made Too Many Mistakes With My Child?

Dear Bethany,

Yes, we all make mistakes as parents. Sometimes we lose our temper. Sometimes we’re too harsh. Sometimes we give in because we can’t face one more meltdown. Sometimes we simply don’t understand what our child needs until years later.

And when we learn more, it can be painful to look back and wish we had done things differently.

But that doesn’t mean it’s too late.

Children are always developing, and so are their relationships with us. Your daughter’s past matters, of course, but it does not determine her future. What happens between the two of you now matters, too.

And you’re also right that your daughter’s temperament is not simply the result of your parenting. Children come into the world with different nervous systems and temperaments. Some are more intense, sensitive, reactive, persistent, cautious, or easily frustrated than others. Those traits can make parenting more challenging — and they often have wonderful strengths on the other side. The child who seems stubborn may grow into an extraordinarily determined adult. The child who is highly reactive may also be unusually sensitive and perceptive.

So I wouldn’t begin by asking, “What did I do wrong?” I would begin by asking, “What does my daughter need from me now?”

The most powerful place to start is your relationship.

That doesn’t mean letting her have her way so that the two of you feel closer. Children need to know that someone is in charge and will keep them safe. You can set limits while still letting your daughter know that you understand her perspective: “I hear how much you want this. The answer is still no. It’s okay to be disappointed.”

That combination — warmth and empathy along with clear limits — helps children feel both understood and secure.

I would also look for ways to strengthen your connection when nothing is wrong. Listen without immediately giving advice. Find small ways to enjoy her. Let her choose what you do together sometimes. Notice what you genuinely appreciate about her and say it out loud. When children feel that we delight in them, not just that we are trying to improve them, the relationship begins to shift.

And when you do lose your temper or handle something in a way you regret, repair.

You might say: “I was really frustrated earlier, but I shouldn’t have yelled at you. You didn’t deserve to be spoken to that way. I’m working on staying calmer even when I’m upset.”

Notice that you aren’t blaming your daughter or beating yourself up. You’re simply taking responsibility. That teaches her something enormously important: People who love each other will inevitably have ruptures, and relationships can be repaired.

If there are patterns between you that have developed over years, they probably won’t disappear overnight. When you change your part of the dance, your daughter may not immediately change hers. In fact, she may test the new pattern for a while. That doesn’t mean it isn’t working.

Over time, though, repeated experiences of being heard, having limits held calmly, reconnecting after conflict, and simply enjoying each other build a different relationship. Your daughter may still be intense, sensitive, persistent, or moody — that may simply be part of who she is. But she’ll have more support to manage those big feelings, and the two of you can become less locked into patterns that leave both of you feeling disconnected.

Most important, good parenting doesn't mean getting everything right. Your daughter doesn’t need a parent who never made mistakes when she was younger. She needs the parent you can be today — one who keeps working to regulate herself, listen more deeply, set limits with empathy, reconnect after hard moments, and repair when things go wrong.

You can’t change yesterday. But you are shaping your relationship with your daughter every single day.

It is not too late.

Warmly,
Dr. Laura