Teaching Your Baby to Fall Asleep Without Crying It Out

You’ll be interested to know that in many parts of the world, babies regularly fall asleep with contact, and many do not sleep long stretches alone in a crib. Needing closeness is biologically normal. And at the same time, babies can learn to fall asleep with less help—if you’re up for teaching, gently and gradually. You can start this gentle teaching when your baby is still an infant.

The key is this: because babies naturally rouse between sleep cycles, the long-term goal isn’t only falling asleep at bedtime—it’s learning how to settle again when they stir. Happily, that can be taught without leaving your baby to cry alone. This isn’t an overnight process—it can take weeks or months—but it does work.

A note on language: I’ll sometimes say “teach your baby to fall asleep.” Your baby isn’t doing a lesson plan—what you’re really doing is shaping sleep associations in tiny steps, while staying responsive. And because feeding is such a big part of infant sleep, none of this ever means withholding food from a hungry baby.

If you’d like to begin developing sleep habits that protect both your baby’s sense of safety and your own need for rest, start with small steps.

1. Put your baby down slightly awake.

Most babies protest when they’re put down sleepy and alone. There’s a reason: babies are wired to seek closeness when they’re vulnerable. When they’re drowsy, their nervous system wants a safe base—you.

So work with your baby’s biology, not against it. Comfort your baby to sleep as needed. But when you place her in the crib or bassinet, aim for slightly awake rather than fully asleep. A tiny shift—opening her eyes, a small wiggle—helps her notice, I’m in my bed…and I’m safe. 

I know, you've just worked so hard to get her to sleep that this will take real courage on your part. But just decide that you'll always include this little jostling as part of the process.

If she cries, you respond—pat, shush, pick up if needed to calm her. At first, she may protest many times. You’re not trying to “teach her a lesson.” You’re helping her learn a new experience: I can be in my bed and still feel safe. Over time, you’ll see fewer startles and less panic—more settling.

You're teaching your baby something priceless -- that when she finds herself half-awake in her crib, it's safe to go back to sleep. She won't do this at first, of course. She'll cry and you'll pat her or even pick her up if necessary to calm her. But after awhile, she'll learn that she's safe. She may startle or whimper for a moment, but she won't go into full panic mode. In fact, more and more often, she'll simply shut her eyes again and drift back into sleep. Celebrate that moment, because that skill is what will allow her to begin putting herself back to sleep at night, not so long from now. Keep practicing.

2. Gently loosen the “sucking = sleep” association.

If your baby needs to nurse, bottle-feed, or suck to fall asleep, he may call for the same help when he stirs at night. Your next step is to gradually separate sucking from falling asleep.

Usually, babies find it easiest if you start by rocking them. Yes, this is another sleep "crutch." But it's an easier sleep association to break than sucking is.

Try feeding when your baby first wakes, and again when he’s hungry. But when he’s mostly tired, experiment with other soothing first—walking, rocking, bouncing—so he begins to drift off without sucking every time.

This never means withholding food. Don’t begin this until your baby is thriving and feeding well, and if your baby continues to cry and protest, assume hunger and feed. The point is simply to create some occasions when sleep can happen without sucking.

3. Help your baby fall asleep while you hold her, but without motion

Once your baby can sometimes fall asleep with rocking instead of feeding, the next step is to reduce motion.

Begin with rocking. Then, before she’s fully asleep, stop rocking and sit still while holding her calmly. If she protests, resume rocking, then stop again. Repeat as many times as needed. Eventually, she’ll begin to drift off even when you’re still.

Do this for a week or so until she's used to it as your new routine: getting sleepy while rocking and then falling asleep in your arms while not rocking. 

4. Teach “falling asleep in bed” in tiny steps.

Next, help your baby get comfortable falling asleep in the sleep space.

Hold him near the crib in a calm, still position. Then begin lowering him into the crib still awake but very sleepy.

When he protests -- which of course he will -- pick him up again in the rocking position and rock a little, then stop. Keep repeating this. It may well take 25 attempts, but eventually he will let you put him into the bed without protest. Be patient. You're almost home!

Again, do this for a week until he is used to this routine.

5. Move from holding → touch → less touch.

Eventually, you will be able to put your baby in the crib and hold her there while she falls asleep, because she will not need rocking any more.

As your baby becomes more comfortable in the crib, shift from holding to steady touch: a hand on his chest, gentle pats, while they drift to sleep. Soon she will be able to fall asleep with you simply holding her hand. Keep doing this until she accepts it as your new routine -- getting sleepy rocking, but then being put into her bed lying on her back and falling asleep there, holding your finger. At some point, you can substitute a toy instead of your finger.

Guess what? You now have a baby who can be put down in the crib awake and who will fall asleep on her own-- —and who is more likely to resettle during the night without needing you every time he stirs.