Game Plan for Peaceful Parenting Your Elementary Schooler

1. Stay connected.

Now she’s so self sufficient, and so peer oriented, it’s possible to go a whole weekend and barely see your nine year old. Resist the impulse to say yes to one more playdate so you can get more done. Instead, spend some downtime just hanging out with your kid, doing nothing. Now is when you lay the foundation for a great relationship once she's a teenager.

2. Develop family rituals that foster connection.

Family meetings. Sunday morning brunches. Saturday lunch dates with Dad on the way to weekly grocery shopping. Apple picking trips every September, or making costumes together before Halloween. Whatever works for your family, but make these connection opportunities into routines, so everyone expects them and looks forward to them.

3. Take your cues about independence from your child.

Independence develops at different rates in different kids. Remember that after periods of independence that require "grown up" behavior, such as sleepovers, your kid's "baby self" will come out for extra attention from you. Don't insist that he be mature all the time.

4. Help kids develop problem solving and negotiating skills.

Should kids get what they want by whining? Absolutely not. Should they learn that they can get their way by marshaling good arguments and making them in a reasonable, humorous, charming way that meets your needs as well as theirs? Absolutely, if you want them to get anywhere in life.

Of course, your child can't negotiate every limit. Sometimes the answer is simply no. But when there's room for discussion, listening to your child's point of view teaches them to think, advocate for themselves, consider another person's needs, and look for solutions. Those are exactly the skills we want children to have when they're navigating peer pressure without us there.

5. Help kids develop a healthy relationship with food and their bodies.

School-age children are beginning to absorb all kinds of messages about food, weight, and appearance. Your example matters. Make nourishing food the easy, everyday choice in your home. Snacks don't have to mean chips, cookies, or packaged "snack foods"—think apples and cheese, carrots and hummus, yogurt and fruit, nuts, or whatever simple whole foods your family enjoys. Offer regular meals and snacks with a variety of foods, and let your child decide how much to eat, so they stay connected to their own signals of hunger and fullness.

And watch the messages you send about bodies as well as food. Avoid dieting or talking critically about your own or anyone else's body. The goal isn't perfect eating—it's helping your child develop both healthy eating habits and a relaxed, trusting relationship with food and their body.

6. Resist the impulse to over-schedule.

Yesterday was Sunday. My husband had to work. I felt vaguely guilty when he asked me what the kids and I planned to do. I had no plans. I was really looking forward to a day without soccer games or music lessons. Of course, NYC is on my doorstep, with literally thousands of wonderful, edifying options. But -- and I know this is an excuse -- it was raining and by the time we walked the ten minutes to the subway we would have been soaked. So while I picked up the house, my kids (ages 5 and 9 when this was written) spent the morning turning our family room into a rain forest, full of cut-out trees and vines and stuffed animals. After lunch, he did homework while she did a book of mazes. Then she and I read together while he designed a roller coaster at the kitchen table. A cozy, quiet, peaceful, fun day without any screens. An oasis in our jam-packed week. Every kid deserves days like these every single week. Some people call them "Slow family living." I just call them essential.

7. Protect plenty of screen-free time.

School-age children need lots of time for reading, physical activity, imaginative play, hobbies, family connection, and simply being bored enough to invent something to do. Screens can easily crowd out those experiences, so create family routines that keep screens in their place—for instance, devices out of bedrooms, screen-free meals, and plenty of screen-free time every day.

This is also the age to begin your child's digital apprenticeship: ongoing conversations and guided practice that teach them how to use technology safely and intentionally.

What about a phone? Most elementary-age children don't need a smartphone. If your child needs a way to contact you, start with the simplest device that meets that need rather than giving them unrestricted internet access.

For more on managing screens, see How to Raise a Child With a Healthy Relationship to Screens.

8. Pay attention to your child's peer world.

As children get older, friends become increasingly important. Peers influence attitudes about everything from school and kindness to risk-taking, screens, and what's considered "cool." You can't—and shouldn't—choose your child's friends for them, but you can make it easier for your child to spend time with kids who bring out the best in them.

Get to know your child's friends. Welcome them into your home. Pay attention to how your child feels after spending time with particular kids and to what's happening in the larger peer group. If your child is being excluded, ridiculed, or struggling socially, don't dismiss it as something they simply have to work out themselves. Listen without overreacting, help your child think through what to do, and step in when adult help is needed.

Most important, keep your relationship strong. Your child needs to know they can talk with you about what happens with friends without being judged or having you immediately take over. As the peer world becomes more important, that connection with you remains their secure base.

10. Start Family Meetings.

Continue (or start) family meetings. Held regularly at a mutually agreed upon time, family meetings provide a forum for discussing triumphs, grievances, sibling disagreements, schedules, any topic of concern to a family member. They help kids feel like their family cares, and their opinions matter. Ground rules help. Everyone gets a chance to talk; one person talks at a time without interruption (pass a "Talking Stick" if you want); everyone listens, and only positive, constructive feedback is allowed. To get resistant kids to join in, combine the get-together with incentives such as pizza, or assign them important roles such as recording secretary or rule enforcer. Click here to find out how to make Family Meetings something everyone in your family looks forward to.

11. Focus on Values.

Values are often absorbed more from what children see us do than from what we tell them. But school-age children are also encountering many more influences outside the family, so this is a wonderful age to talk explicitly about what your family values and why. For more on how to raise a child with great values, click here.

12. Move Beyond Discipline.

Your child needs limits, but you don't need threats or consequences to teach them to make good choices. When your child is upset, start with connection and help them regulate before you problem-solve. When something has gone wrong, help them repair it. Most important, you want your child to WANT to do the right thing—not because they're afraid of what will happen if they don't, but because they're developing the inner compass to make good choices even when you're not there. Your most powerful discipline tools are a close parent-child relationship, clear limits, empathy, and lots of opportunities to practice making things right. Here's how.

Click here to watch Dr. Laura's video, "How to Handle an Elementary School Kid's Meltdown."

Click here to watch Dr. Laura's video, "When Your Child Isn't Making Friends In School."