"I recently discovered Peaceful Parenting and am trying hard to change things in our family, but my kids seem to be acting out more. So I still lose it. And I feel so guilty about the past. What am I doing wrong?"
Those bumps don’t mean you’re doing anything wrong — even if your child sometimes seems to be “acting worse” than before. In fact, what’s often happening is that your child finally feels safe enough to show you feelings from the past.
When you used to yell or punish, your child may have felt alone, frightened, or misunderstood. Those feelings didn’t disappear — they just went underground. Now, as your relationship becomes safer and more connected, those old hurts can surface so they can finally heal.
You might think of this phase as healing old hurt feelings so they stop driving new bad behavior.
That healing takes extra compassion from you — but your empathy is exactly what allows everyone to move forward.
Many parents also feel deep guilt about how they parented before discovering peaceful parenting. But guilt doesn’t help you act with more patience — just as feeling bad about themselves doesn’t help children behave better. So let go of the guilt. You’re already paying the price by doing the hard work of change — and by helping your child heal now.
1. Start with yourself.
The "peace" in peaceful parenting comes from you. Specifically, from your commitment to regulate your own emotions.
When you feel upset, Stop. Drop your agenda (temporarily). Breathe.
Notice the sensations in your body. That awareness keeps you conscious, so you're less likely to be hijacked by anger. Refuse to act on that urgent flight or flight feeling that makes your child look like the enemy. Whenever possible, delay taking action until you feel calmer.
This takes practice -- both in those tough moments with your child, and in general, as you become more aware of your own thoughts and triggers. It's not easy. In fact, it's really hard. But every time you do this, you're strengthening the neural pathways that help you return to calm--and uncovering the triggers that make you lose it, so you don't get upset as often.
2. Focus on Connection First.
Peaceful parenting doesn't work without connection. So before you change anything else, strengthen your bond with your child..
Otherwise, you may drop punishments, but your child still won't feel motivated to cooperate, and you'll see more testing behavior. Start spending at least 15 minutes connecting one-on-one with each child daily, simply following their lead and pouring your love into them.
Parents are often amazed by how much more cooperative their children become when they feel more deeply connected.
3. Explain what's changing.
Once you’re seeing more connection and cooperation, initiate a calm conversation:
“You know how I used to yell or send you to your room when rules were broken? Have you noticed I’ve been yelling less? I’m really sorry I used to yell so much. I love you, and I know you try hard. No one deserves to be yelled at — no matter what.”
Then clarify expectations:
“We still have the same rules. It’s never okay to lie, break promises, or hit. But we think you’ll learn more from repairing mistakes than from being punished. When something gets damaged — including a relationship — we expect a repair. We’ll always help. And when you’re upset, we want to help you with the problem you’re having.”
End by inviting collaboration:
“Let’s have a family meeting to talk about what rules matter most to us.”
4. Ask for cooperation.
“Our most important rule is that we treat each other with kindness. I’m working hard not to yell and to really listen. Do you think you can work on being kind to your sister too?”
Your child will still lose control sometimes. Resist the temptation to use that as justification for yelling. You’re the role model.
5. Offer Support and Model Win-Win Solutions.
“I know your sister gets on your nerves and wants your things — that’s really annoying. You deserve to keep your treasures safe. But it’s not okay to yell or hit. Let’s work together to find a safe place for your things. And when you start feeling annoyed, what could you do instead of yelling?”
You’re teaching problem-solving — not just stopping behavior.
6. Keep setting limits--with empathy.
As you see things from your child’s perspective more often, you may feel more flexible — and that’s healthy. But children still need clear limits.
The key is to set the limit before you’re angry, while you can still empathize:
“You wish you never had to stop playing and get ready for bed. I bet when you grow up you’ll play all night every night! And right now, it’s time for your bath.”
Acknowledging your child’s feelings is what helps them cooperate.
7. Teach repair instead of punishment.
If you’ve relied on punishment, it can feel unsettling not to punish when a rule is broken. Train yourself to think in terms of repair instead.
After everyone is calm and reconnected, talk privately with your child. Listen patiently. Empathize fully:
“You were really mad when that happened. I hear you.”
Once your child feels understood, gently point out the impact — without shame:
“When you said that to your brother, it really hurt his feelings. I wonder if it made him feel less close to you.”
Then ask:
“What do you think you could do to repair things?”
Resist forcing an apology (which just creates defensiveness). Instead, empower your child to repair:
“This is just another kind of mess — like spilled milk. We always clean up our messes. I know you’ll think of something that helps make things better.”
Just as with matter-of-factly cleaning up the spilled milk, the process of cleaning up his messes will teach your child that he doesn't want to cause those hurts to begin with. Just remember that this isn't a punishment. He does need to make a repair, and he needs to do it by the end of the day, but what he chooses to do to make things better with his sibling is his choice. Of course, if your child's "repair" is seen by the sibling as not a sufficient repair for the infraction, then you will need to intervene again. The point of repair, after all, is to make things better with the person you've hurt.
What if your child resists making a repair? That means that he needs more help from you to heal his upset before he can move on to repair. Double-check to be sure you aren't lecturing, and that you're really seeing his perspective, so he feels heard and can work out those big feelings. If old resentments are creating a chip on his shoulder, then make a commitment to yourself to start the repair work today to melt those resentments.
8. Expect emotions to surface.
When children are punished, they learn to suppress the big emotions that drive misbehavior. Those feelings don’t disappear — they get stuffed down and resurface later as anger or acting out.
So when you stop punishing, you can expect to see more big emotions. If you can make it safe for your child to show you the more vulnerable feelings, you won't see as much anger.
But you may see more acting out for a short time. When your child "acts out" she is acting out feelings that she can't express in words. Like "All those times you yelled at me, and I was so scared...I acted like I didn't care, but I was terrified inside....That fear is still inside me and it eats away at me and feels awful....So I lash out to keep those feelings down." No child could tell you that, so she acts out.
Acting out is not a personal challenge to you. Emotions are never the problem; humans will always have big emotions. And, of course, that doesn't give your child license to hurt anyone else. Train yourself to see misbehavior as a cry for help, and set limits calmly and patiently to guide behavior.
The key is to help your child work through the hurts and fears that are under her anger, so they no longer drive her behavior. The best way to do this is Connection, laughter and tears. For more guidance on how to do this: Preventive Maintenance for Kids.
9. Create emotional safety.
When your child shows you his upsets, stay calm. Don't take it personally. The more you stay compassionate and accepting, the more he'll feel safe enough to show you the woundedness behind his anger. (Anger is just the body's fight response to those threatening feelings.)
Expressing those tears and fears is healing. Once he shares them with you -- and he doesn't even need to know what they're about, or to use words -- those upsetting feelings will evaporate, and he won't need that chip on his shoulder to protect himself.
If your child is stuck in anger, create more safety by being as compassionate as you can about what's upsetting him. If that isn't enough to help him cry, and he stays angry, it's a sign that he needs more daily empathy, and more daily laughing with you. Both build trust.
10. Help your child make sense of her experience with a story.
"When you were little, I was having a hard time... I yelled a lot... I didn't know what else to do... That frightened you.... So you got very very mad sometimes... Nowadays I work really hard to stay calm.... And you are learning better ways to show me when you are sad or scared or mad..... We work together to solve problems in our family..... Everyone gets upset sometimes.... We try to listen to each other and be kind.... Then we always repair things between us.... There is always more love."
All children benefit from using words and stories to understand their emotional life. Just be careful to empathize, not analyze -- so she feels understood, not lectured or analyzed.
11. Model apologies.
Expecting repair teaches responsibility — but modeling apology teaches generosity of spirit.
“I see two upset kids. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help sooner. I got scared someone would get hurt, and I started yelling. I’m sorry. Let’s do a do-over.”
No blame. No shame. Just emotional generosity.
12. Expect setbacks.
You're human. You’ll make mistakes.
The secret of making this transition is having compassion for yourself, just as you do for your child. Expect some days to be a huge struggle. Peaceful parenting is hardest at the beginning. But it gets easier as new skills replace old habits.
Even while it's hard, you're healing old wounds--your child's and your own. Quite simply, there's less drama and more love.
Peaceful parenting is a daily choice — to stay calm, to choose love, to repair when things go wrong.
When children see you apologize and repair, they learn to do the same. Over time, something shifts — in your family, and in your hearts.
You’re on a path toward a more peaceful family. Two steps forward and one step back still moves you ahead. Soon you’ll look around and realize you’re living in a whole new landscape.
Enjoy the journey.
13. Every morning, make the commitment.
"For me, this type of parenting is a daily choice. Every morning I have to make the commitment not to yell, to stay calm, to chose love. And there is something very empowering about that. I apologize to my kids when I make mistakes and slip - I see that when they accept my apology, they feel empowerment and generosity of spirit. This influences their behavior with each other - there are more kind words and gestures, more "I'm sorry" and more "Don't worry, I know it wasn't your fault" that they extend to each other, than before.
There are days when things are a big struggle, but I really feel that something is changing deep within our hearts AND I feel us grow closer together when we choose love, and when in the middle of a tantrum I hug my child and genuinely tell him that I hear his pain and that I'll help him work through it."
You're on a path now that leads to a happier, more peaceful family. Two steps forward, one step back still gets you where you want to go. Soon you'll find yourself in a whole new landscape. Enjoy the journey!
