We all have an inner voice. Its job is to protect us. Often, it tries to do this with warnings, judgments, and criticism. That's why we sometimes call it the inner critic.
Go under the criticism, and you’ll find fear. Fear that if we aren't good enough, we won't be loved. Which ultimately means we won't survive. That seems crazy, right?
But when you get a call from your child's teacher, and you worry that he's not succeeding, that you as the parent will be judged and found wanting, you go straight into survival mode. Fight or flight. So by the time you see your child, he looks like the enemy.
But there's more. Your child has fears, too. They come out as clinginess, or defiance, or aggression, or demanding-ness. As humans get older, fear usually evolves to become less obvious, so it shows up as self-criticism, rigidity, controlling-ness, as we try desperately to make everything perfect. Just so we can be good enough to survive.
Fear tells us it's helping. But does fear really help anybody change for the better? (Hint: When we feel attacked, we defend. Our natural desire to cooperate vanishes.)
- Does your inner critic help you feel more relaxed, empowered, loving?
- Does your inner critic help your kids feel more loved, secure, open to change, cooperative?
When you react to your child from fear, worry, or anxiety, you lose your empathy and compassion. Your child becomes an object to control, instead of a person to understand, nurture and love. You can't make good parenting decisions. And what you say to your child from fear isn't the inner voice you want to pass on.
Wouldn't it be lovely if your inner voice could become your cheerleader, encouraging you? It IS possible to transform the inner critic.
Here's how.
1. Stop, Drop and Breathe.
Simply noticing your tendency to speak negatively to yourself as you go through your day will loosen the grip of those negative tendencies. When you notice a negative thought, use your Pause button. Just stop. Drop It. (The thought. Beating yourself up is not the way to get yourself back on track.) Take a deep breath, or better yet, three. That pause gives you a chance to switch gears.
2. Soothe your anxiety.
Your negative thoughts come from fear. When you hear that negative, bullying voice in your head, find a mantra that reassures you: "It isn't an emergency... I can handle it." That will ease the fear that's gripping you, so your inner voice relaxes.
3. Talk to yourself like someone you love.
Once you pause, and calm the inner critic's anxiety, Self-Compassion is the most effective antidote to the inner critic.
Self-compassion will help you to reframe the inner critic's warnings, judgments, and criticisms, the same way you would if you were speaking to a beloved friend. You wouldn't let someone speak to your child in that negative voice, would you? You deserve compassion too, no matter what. Train yourself to transform those negative
thoughts into something more encouraging. "It's normal to feel like this ... I'm doing my best ... I am more than enough ... Nobody bats 1000."
These three steps will start transforming your inner critic into your inner “Nurturing Parent.” Think of it as "re-parenting" yourself. Within a month of repeatedly shifting from criticism to compassion, you'll actually be rewiring your brain.
And you'll find that you're a more encouraging parent to your child, which means that he or she will be developing a more supportive inner voice, too. As Mothering Magazine founding editor Peggy O'Mara says, "The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." Wouldn't it be wonderful to gift our children an inner cheerleader instead of an inner critic?
***
In the next few weeks, we'll be interspersing more Spring Cleaning for Your Psyche with our regular posts about kids and parenting. Watch for the other posts in this series:
5 Strategies to Tame Your Inner Critic
Don't Believe Everything You Think
Want to Stop Being Upset? Change Your Mind.
6 Steps to Vaporize Your Negative Beliefs and Heal Your Self Criticism
Transform Your Inner Critic Into Your Inner Nurturing Parent
Go Out of Your Mind...And Into Your Body
How to Love Being with Your Kids? Dive Deeper.
