Play is the natural way children learn to regulate their emotions and build confidence. Protecting that time is one of the best ways to help raise a child who feels secure and resilient. Put simply: play is nature’s way of preparing children for life.
Through self-directed, imaginative, and adventurous play, children build the skills they’ll use for a lifetime. Developmental psychologist Peter Gray has shown that the sharp decline in children’s opportunities for free play over recent decades has paralleled increases in depression and anxiety, arguing that play is essential practice for building resilience and managing fear.
Play also develops crucial executive functioning skills — things like planning, flexibility, self-control, and problem-solving. When kids invent games, change rules, or figure out how to work together, they’re practicing the mental skills that help them manage schoolwork, friendships, and challenges later in life.
And because so much play happens with other children, it’s also a powerful teacher of social skills. Sharing, negotiating, handling disagreements, and working toward common goals are all practiced naturally in play — often much more effectively than in structured, adult-led activities.
When we give kids room to play outside at recess, for example, we’re not taking away from their learning — we’re fueling the emotional intelligence, confidence, and resilience that will carry them through the afternoon's classroom lessons, and into adulthood.
When kids direct their own play, they learn how to:
- Regulate their emotions. A game gone wrong, a scraped knee, or losing a round all provide practice calming themselves down.
- Build confidence. Facing small challenges in play teaches kids, “I can do hard things.”
- Problem-solve creatively. Negotiating rules, fixing what breaks, or inventing new games stretches the brain’s problem-solving muscles.
- Develop social skills. In peer play, children practice compromise, cooperation, and conflict resolution — all essential for healthy relationships.
The Role of Risky Play
Some of the richest learning happens when play feels just a little bit scary — climbing higher, racing faster, or exploring somewhere new. Researchers call this risky play. While adults may feel nervous watching it, studies (such as those by Ellen Sandseter and colleagues) show that these “thrilling” experiences actually reduce anxiety and phobias, because children discover they can face fear and come out stronger.
As parents, it’s natural to want to protect our kids from every possible danger. We buckle them into car seats, we childproof the house, we worry about bumps and bruises. And that’s exactly what loving parents should do — keep kids safe from serious harm. But when we eliminate all risk, we also eliminate some of the best opportunities for children to build courage, resilience, and judgment.
Think of it this way: risk is practice. When children climb and sometimes slip, they learn balance. When they bike down a hill a little too fast, they learn about speed and control. When they take a chance socially — joining a game, telling a joke — they learn how to recover if it doesn’t go well. Mistakes in play are how children learn, in safe doses, to handle bigger challenges later.
By letting kids stretch themselves in play — while staying close enough for real safety — we give them the gift of learning that fear can be faced, risks can be managed, and setbacks aren’t the end of the world. Those lessons are the heart of resilience.
What Parents Can Do
- Make time for unstructured play every day. Protect space in your child’s schedule where they decide what to do.
- Step back a little. Resist the urge to direct or fix. Let your child invent, experiment, and even struggle — that’s where growth happens.
- Say yes to safe risk. Give your child chances to climb, balance, and explore within reason. Those small risks are practice for bigger challenges later.
- Encourage outdoor play and peer play. Parks, backyards, and playdates give kids the freedom and social context they need.
Bottom line: Play shapes resilience. It strengthens confidence, problem-solving, and social skills, while giving kids repeated practice calming down from fear and frustration. Protecting play is one of the most powerful ways you can raise a child who feels secure and capable in the world.
Citations for studies cited above:
- Gray, P. (2011). The decline of play and the rise of psychopathology in children and adolescents. American Journal of Play, 3(4), 443–463.
- Sandseter, E. B. H., & Kennair, L. E. O. (2011). Children’s risky play from an evolutionary perspective: The anti-phobic effects of thrilling experiences. Evolutionary Psychology, 9(2), 257–284.
