Does the Peaceful Parenting Approach Work with Differently Wired Kids?

Question

Answer

About 40% of children could be described as "complex," meaning they have some combination of traits such as neurodivergence, sensory processing differences, high-sensitivity, strong will, anxiety, or simply a nervous system that becomes overwhelmed easily. While each child is unique, all differently-wired kids share one thing: They need an approach that understands how their nervous system works.

That's why Peaceful Parenting is foundational for parenting differently-wired kids. They need your calm, your connection and your coaching to help them feels safe so they can regulate--even more than most children. Then, build on this foundation to give your unique child what they need to feel safe, supported and successful. As Dr. Laura says, leave no stone unturned to figure out what works for your child. 

Supporting a Differently Wired Child: What Actually Works

When your child’s nervous system overwhelms easily, traditional approaches often fail. So peaceful parenting does something different:

1. Regulate your own emotions.

Harder, yes. But essential — because these kids are highly attuned to our emotional cues.

2. Connect.

This is your child’s pathway to safety. Without connection, no strategy works.

3. Coach -- emotion-coaching, empathy, and structure -- instead of punishing.

These children do not respond well to control, consequences, or reward charts. They thrive when they’re guided with dignity, understanding, and the belief that they want to do well — they just need help getting there.

Supporting unique children is founded on an understanding of the neurobiology of nervous system states, and the impact of stress on your child's ability to stay calm and to cooperate.

Of course, we may need to set limits, but we can set those with love. It's also more effective in gaining cooperation, because ALL humans have the instinct to "follow" only those who have their best interests at heart, and rebel against being controlled.

This isn't just about managing tough moments; it's about forging a path of heartfelt connection and support so your child has more inner resources. And, of course, when they feel better, they act better!

Most "experts" give advice that centers on rewards and punishments. But all humans deserve the dignity of being coached to be their best selves, rather than punished when they don't behave as we'd like. Complex children have a different experience of the world than neurotypical adults do, and it must often frighten them. When they act out of fear, they deserve love, not punishment.

Complex kids regularly need extra support from you, the parent. To give them that support, you'll need to start by calming yourself, and then reframing your child's challenging behavior. But if you can remember to start by seeing your child's perspective, you'll not only restore calm in the moment, you'll also, gradually, equip your child with lifelong self-management skills.

Children with differently wired nervous systems need more support — not because there is anything wrong with them, but because the world wasn’t built with their wiring in mind.

When they feel understood and safe with you, their nervous system relaxes. And once that happens, everything shifts.

Peaceful Parenting doesn’t just work for differently wired kids —

It is often the most effective approach because it honors their nervous system and their dignity.

And maybe the best answer comes from a parent:

***

"Hi Dr. Laura,
I just wanted take a minute to say THANK YOU for all the work you do to help parents, and children. I am so grateful to have found your site when my son was 2 years old. Your advice was essentially what I had done with him since he was a baby and then when, at 2 he started to have some challenging behaviors I started getting advice that he needed more "consequences" and just needed to learn and follow directions, that he needed "time outs" etc.

I knew deep down in my heart that my son was a "cranky" baby and was now showing challenging behaviors because something in world just wasn't right, not because of a lack of limits or "consequences". Finding your site gave me permission, courage and tools to parent him the way I knew he needed to be parented despite all the advice I was getting.

Fast forward a few years and we now know that my son has a rare speech disorder called Childhood Apraxia of Speech, autism spectrum disorder and sensory processing challenges. My heart knew he didn't need punishment and I am beyond grateful for the tools you gave me to help him navigate his world, which is clearly a very difficult and different world from the one you and I are in. I am now immersed in a world of therapists and even more advice, some helpful, some not, but I always fall back on your teachings. Your lessons and words provide the underpinnings of how I approach everything with my son. Some days it feels like an impossible task to keep calm but then I remember how overwhelming his world must be. Not everything you advise works perfectly for us because of some of his challenges but parenting him with love and compassion has fostered in him a sense of confidence in spite of his challenges. He is a loving, sweet, sensitive little man but it takes time and real connection to see just how sensitive he is and how much he wants to connect.

I really wanted to reach out because maybe there are other special needs parents out there wondering...but he/she has (fill in the blank), will this work...the resounding answer for us has been YES! I feel like because empathy is hard for him, because connection is hard for him, because he struggles in social situations that it is EVEN MORE important that we set loving limits and TEACH him about emotions and about how to be connected and how to express love. I don't know where we would be without you. I can't wait to read your book on siblings. We also have a beautiful 21 month old little girl who is happy and sweet and just filled with empathy and love.

Thank you so much for all you do."