Kids often want to wear Halloween costumes that we as parents think are inappropriate. Since it's our job to keep them safe and operating within the bounds of decency, it can be tempting to just say No Way!

But we need to start by recognizing that a Halloween costume is a once-a-year opportunity for your child to express their creativity as well as to experiment with exploring aspects of their identity. Kids are also strongly influenced by peer and cultural pressures, so this very “personal” decision can become very “public” and therefore can be quite loaded for a young person. That means that your child needs to be allowed to exercise some autonomy in deciding on their costume, maybe even more than with other clothing choices.

How do you make this work for both you and your child? You give your child as much autonomy as possible, without compromising your values as a family. How much autonomy will depend on the age of your child.

As a parent, you do need to make sure that your child is not wearing clothes out of your home that you consider inappropriate. Don't be afraid to set limits about your child's costume if it crosses your lines of decency or safety. But keep in mind that Halloween is a unique day out of the year and this costume isn’t something that your child will wear every day.

Let’s start with “sexy” costumes. We know that children and especially preteens in Western culture are inundated with messages from marketing companies and media that equate being attractive with being sexy. The research on puberty is that young girls often dread puberty, including the increased attention from boys and men that make them feel less safe, and the cultural pressures of sexualization.

At the same time, young girls want to be attractive, which is healthy. We don’t want to shame them for that, or for their emerging sexual interest. And Halloween costumes can be a healthy way for children and preteens to explore parts of themselves that would not be appropriate in other settings. So while most of us would not let our seven year old wear a sexy costume, you might consider loosening your stance for an eleven year old on the verge of puberty. Is there a compromise that would work, like wearing leggings under that short skirt?

What about being disgustingly gory, or scarily evil? Again, Halloween gives kids permission to explore and express their interest in things they might otherwise disavow. “Bad guys” can seem powerful, beyond the control of parents, teachers, even right and wrong. Wrestling with how to be powerful without going to the dark side is a time-honored hero’s journey, and that journey usually includes some examination of what it means to be “evil.” And scary or gory? That’s sort of the point of Halloween, isn’t it?

It's useful to remember that anything we suppress and disown goes into our “shadow” self -- you could think of this as the unconscious -- rather than being under the control of our “conscious” self. If we want our children to be whole people who are able to live their values rather than being hijacked by needs or interests they’ve cut off, then they have to be allowed to express their whole selves. Being interested in what it might feel like to be powerfully evil or shockingly covered in blood does not mean that your child will be an axe murderer. It means they're exploring power and boundaries. There are ways to do that safely, and Halloween offers one opportunity!

Whether you say yes, no, or "Let's see if we can modify this so we're both comfortable," what's most important is how you talk with your child about their costume decision. Can you listen to what your child has to say about WHY they want this costume, without interrupting? (I guarantee you'll learn a lot!) Can you have this discussion in a way that will help your child to better understand him or herself, and to become more aware of any social pressures that are influencing their decision-making?

Finally, can you connect while you work this through in a way that builds more trust and brings you closer? That's ultimately what will help your child respect your values and want to follow your lead.

Have you noticed that this question of what to wear for Halloween is a wonderful opportunity? Yes, really!

  • Your child gets to be creative.
  • Your child gets to explore parts of themselves that might otherwise be repressed as too shocking, and bring them into the light of conscious integration.
  • You get to know more about your child and their exploration of their evolving identity.
  • You and your child have the opportunity to get closer by talking about all this!

As long as you have clarity about the values that are important to you, and you openly discuss all of this with your child, there’s nothing wrong with setting a limit based on your family’s values and belief system.

The trick to make this work is to listen to your child, avoid shaming them for their desires, and find a way for them to meet their need that also works for you.

And the treat? Both you and your child will grow from this experience!