Sanctuary: Making your Home a Haven

But to flourish, all of us—especially children—need a safe place to come home to, both physically and emotionally. If kids are going to meet the many demands of growing up, they need a secure, peaceful home where they feel protected. They need to feel that we can keep them safe: from the neighborhood bully, from scary stories they hear at school, from images and headlines that feel too big for their nervous system to hold.

And no matter how independent they seem as they pursue interests outside the home, kids still need to know they can count on the presence of their parents when they return. For a long time, your child would rather be with you than do anything else in the world. Even after sleepovers and sports marathons become part of life, when they walk through the door they still want two things: a safe place where they can be fully themselves, and a chance to connect with the family in a deep, comfortable, fun way.

So if your child seems to live only for screen time, it may be a signal of a deeper hunger that needs filling.

Giving your child a sanctuary is an enormous gift. It allows them to go out and meet the world, and then return home to recharge. It gives your family culture the cozy nest it needs to thrive. And research suggests that adults who consciously create homes that feel nurturing and beautiful report better moods and less stress.

So what can you do, in this busy world, to create a sanctuary for your family?

1. Slow down.

We all enjoy excitement, but chronic stress takes a toll—on our health, our patience, and our ability to bring our best selves to our kids. Most of us can see where we make life more stressful than it needs to be simply because we’re reluctant to choose a slower pace.

If you want your kids to cooperate more, start here: Stop Rushing. Build in more margin. Leave earlier. Do less.

2. Make respect the non-negotiable.

Your children’s home should be their sanctuary. That means everyone in the household treats each other with basic respect, and no violence—physical or verbal—is tolerated, including between siblings.

If sibling conflict is a big stressor right now, here are ideas to help you reduce fighting and build repair skills: Click here for ideas on how to stop your kids from fighting with each other. 

3. Keep home time low-pressure.

Home needs to be recovery time, not performance time. Yes, children need to contribute as members of the household. But they also need plenty of “downshift” time to decompress.

Try not to swamp kids with too many obligations on top of school, homework, chores, activities, lessons, religious studies, and social demands. Teenagers, especially, are often carrying a heavy load.

4. Accept your child’s "Baby Self."

You know the Baby Self. It's that part of your child that shows up in the form of regression when your child has been coping with lots of "grown-up" demands. All day they work hard to hold it together at school. When you show up, you evoke the baby self simply by being their parent. They fall apart. They whine, or at least act a bit childish.

Should you reprimand them and demand “appropriate behavior”? Think about how you’d feel if you were overwhelmed and your partner insisted you act more mature.

All kids need a place where the Baby Self is allowed to come out without being ridiculed. The younger the child, the more time that part needs to be “out.” When you let your child be “little” at home—especially at bedtime, after school, when they’re hungry or tired—you reduce the chance they’ll disintegrate at harder moments (dinner with Grandma, in line at the supermarket).

Expect meltdowns after a long day at preschool, after that first sleepover, after the school play they worked so hard on, or simply on Friday afternoon after a pressured week. Children spend an astonishing percentage of their day performing: sitting still, managing impulses, navigating friendships, trying hard. They need a soft place to land.

And yes—this phase passes faster than you can imagine…along with your car keys.

5. Add enough structure to make life predictable.

Kids need to know what to expect. Imagine being deep in a work project when your partner suddenly announces it’s time to go visit the in-laws—no warning, no transition. Most of us would resist.

Children often feel they have very little control over their lives. Springing schedule changes on them creates pushback. Predictable routines reduce stress for everyone and eliminate the frantic last-minute scramble for shoes, homework, and missing permission slips.

Click here for more on creating family routines and structure.

6. Limit technology—so connection has room to happen.

Set a good example by putting devices away when you’re together. Make evenings “low-tech” by default. Consider a regular tech-free block—an evening, a half-day, or even a Saturday without screens.

If the idea of being without devices makes you nervous, that’s usually a sign your family could benefit from a regular tech-free day. At first it may feel awkward—“Oh, you live here?”—as everyone bumps up against each other. But the connection that emerges can be surprisingly powerful.

7. Pay attention to sound.

One physician I know plays gentle music (or nature sounds like waterfalls) in every room of his house. He swears by research showing that peaceful sounds are healing—not just to the soul, but to the body.

At the other end of the continuum is loud TV or upsetting news in the background. Sound shapes the nervous system. If your home tends to be noisy, experiment with lowering the volume, turning off background media, using soft music at predictable times, or creating quiet “rest hours.”

For more support on news and stress, you might find these helpful:

• 12 Ways to Protect Your Child From Stress
• Your Toddler or Preschooler and Screens
•  Why Screens Compromise Emotional & Academic Development: An Interview

8. Build a supportive family culture.

Sanctuary isn’t just what you remove (noise, rushing, constant notifications). It’s also what you create: warmth, shared rituals, inside jokes, repair after conflict, a feeling of “we’re on the same team.”

Click here for 8 simple ways to strengthen your family identity and culture so your home feels like a place everyone belongs.

A sanctuary home isn’t perfect. It’s a place where everyone in your family can exhale, feel safe to be themselves, and reconnect--again and again.